[1973-1977] The ship was monumentally huge but inside it everything, with the exception of the hangar deck (where they stored the aircraft), seemed crowded and cramped. Most of the passageways were narrow and in many of them you had to duck your head to avoid bumping into pipes and conduits that passed overhead. So as soon as I reported on board I started to feel claustrophobic.

Life on the ship consisted of long, long hours of tedious work and crushing boredom. When I was not working there was really nothing to do so I just worked a lot, sometimes even more than the usual 12-hours-a-day, 7-days-a-week at-sea work shift. As a neophyte technician in the ship’s data processing division I started out as a card-punch operator, basically just a tedious data-entry job, but was soon promoted to computer operator. Since there was really nothing else to do besides work, to amuse myself in my spare time I learned programming by reading Navy manuals, first assembler language and then COBOL.

When we were at sea the incoming work load for the data processing division was often more than our little group of technicians could handle, even with the 12-hour shifts. I worked extra hours trying to keep up, especially if there was a particularly urgent job in the works, which was often. I became used to functioning on not quite enough sleep and being chronically fatigued. When we were at sea I lost the sense of being a human. Most of the time I was like a machine, focused only on doing the work and not caring about anything else. I felt completely cut off from the world. I was probably suffering the psychological symptoms of prolonged sensory deprivation from working so many long hours for many days (sometimes weeks) without respite, in cramped and crowded conditions without seeing the sun or the sky. There was nothing to look forward to. For me it was all about just trying to get by from one day to the next. The guys I worked with were a very mixed lot. Some of them were pretty smart guys and some of them were appalling, at least at first. There were men who had spent time in prison for armed robbery, there were drug dealers, pimps, and some who seemed to have some serious mental problems. But in time I ceased to make distinctions among them, because there was simply no point in doing so, and I just accepted everyone for what they were.

I complained a lot about shipboard life, all of us did. But there was another side of it for me. I think that in a way it was what I secretly wanted, although I didn’t realize it at the time. I was 19 years old and still suffering from the long-term effects of my father’s bullying and psychological abuse. I was alienated from my father but more importantly I was also alienated from myself. I felt a profound, instinctive urge to try to escape from my own life. Being on the ship was actually an ideal way to do that. I had indeed escaped from my life into something strange and difficult. I was no longer the person I had been, and I wasn’t sure yet who the new person was that I was turning into.

Advertisements