From early in my life I thought there was something very strange and perplexing about male attitudes toward women. I found this troubling. Even as a young kid in my teens I noticed, in hanging out with my male peers, that much of their talk was about ridiculing girls and putting them down. Why was that? Among all these young guys there was certainly a great deal of talk about sex, accompanied by all the absurd bravado typical of teenage males. At that age all of my male friends were certainly naïve about sex but they tried very hard to act like they weren’t, and almost all of their sex talk was combined with disturbingly contemptuous dismissals of all of the girls they knew. I wanted to understand what was going on. I felt like a social outcast and I was trying hard to learn to fit in with my peers and to be a normal person, but I felt confused and out of touch, as if I were a stranger in a foreign culture I had little understanding of. The social world I was trying to fit into was bizarrely paradoxical. I could see that my male friends desired women, but at the same time they despised them. That made no sense.

In the interests of trying to fit in I made a few half-hearted attempts to join in the male sexual banter, so generally contemptuous of women, that I heard going on around me, but it didn’t feel right to me. I felt very much an oddball, clunky and out of sync with the male culture but also, in time, with the whole American culture that seemed so often to foster inhumane attitudes. It seemed that a great deal of what passed for normal social behavior just consisted of various ways of putting other people down and of aggrandizing oneself.

Later in life I encountered a lot of casual sexism in many of the places I worked, such as when I was a sailor in the Navy, certainly, and later as a civilian in workplaces that were predominantly male. Eventually I realized these behaviors were the natural result of male sexual insecurity and its accompanying labyrinthine psychological complex of interrelated fears and resentments. There is a great sadness at the heart of it, the sadness of alienation. I definitely had such insecurities myself but I just couldn’t bring myself to join in with contemptuous treatment of other people, whatever their gender. So I resigned myself to always being something of an odd person. Looking back on my experience I regret now that I never had the courage to confront the sexist rhetoric (and other expressions of bigotry) when I encountered it among my peers.

And I still feel, as I have all my life, that a large part of what’s commonly accepted as “normal” human behavior makes no sense and is not only inhumane but also ultimately self-defeating. For some reason it’s always been my nature to be a kind of social outlier, standing a little bit outside of the normal world of people, looking in and trying to figure out what the hell is going on in there, and why it is that people do the things they do.

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